Process

In my English class we’re talking about Romanticism and Transcendentalism, which led us to read many works by different authors. One of them being Nathaniel Hawthorne, known by most from the book, The Scarlet Letter. He also wrote some short stories, which I mostly enjoyed. And one of them, striking too close to home than I would’ve liked.

The Minister’s Black Veil. The title pretty much sums up the story. In a Puritan village the minister starts to wear a black veil over his face, which causes this huge issue, but he won’t take it off and he won’t tell them why he has it on. At the end of the story, he reveals the reason- because everyone else has a mask on, why shouldn’t he?

This ties into what James talked about on Wednesday...about being the real you. How telling the truth to the people you love with help develop better relationships with them. Imagine my surprise that I had just kept something from a good friend that was WEIGHING on my heart. Big shocker that I ended up telling her the thing that I had purposly tried so hard NOT to tell her...and what a big shock that James and Heather were right- it helped.

I don't think I've had that slammed into my head so hard before- That me keeping my feelings inside actually hurts and offends people more than when I would tell them. That me keeping how I TRULY feel inside is actually breaking up my friendship instead of keeping it together. Who would've guessed? Oh, that's right, me.

A piece of my mask finally came off. But it's one of those Peel-Off Masks. It hurts while you're taking it off, but it feels SO good when it's finally off.

What's the point of learning something if you don't apply it your life?

Certain things in my life have led me to believe that I am a panisy. Not only emotionally and physically, but spiritually. True, I am afriad of a punch from my Best friend, working an air tool in my auto class and bunsen burners in my science class. I'm afraid of guys(whether I should be or not) and men, snakes and drowning.
I'm afraid of committment- of the emotional and spiritual sense. Also, whether i'm afraid of this or not, i'm a panisy about making decisions. And there comes a certain point when it shouldn't be hard to make a choice between a dog and a cat.

I've always been an emotional person. I'm almost too empathic to my friends and almost for myself. Now, I hadn't really considered if this...emotionalness was a good or a bad thing. When I sit sniffling during church I usually think it's a bad thing- but only because of the uncomfortable-ness of the situation. Yet, last week- Phillip (yancey) pointed out something I had never thought of, but know that it's very true.
"Hypersensitivity to pain can be a resource, an unexpected gift. The same tears that break our hearts may also nourish us in ways that matter most to God."
Hope was in sight! I suddenly felt relieved that I could be so easily attached and then ripped away form something and KNOW that it benefited me toward my Lord!
Unfortenately the 2 x 4 came today- I remembered what I had read last week and started the next section with a smile...
"A bleeding heart is of no help to anybody if it bleeds to death."
Well Crap! Had I been a large bleeding heart that...bleed to death? In San Francisco one of the hardest things (other than spelling it) was to leave the children i had worked with for two days. My heart ached to see them, and then it ached even more to leave them. My emotional nature had become something that I hated because it caused me pain.
"Ministering to people in need sometimes calls instead for a sense of detachment."
Which is what I needed for my first mission trip. To not get so attached just after two days. To know that after those days I would be able to go without tearing up when thinking about them.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to detach myself from eveything (no matter how much I might like that), because then I wouldn't relate to who I can and help them (possibly) become closer to God...but I do need to find a ...center? Between complete detachment and hypersensitivity. So ultimately simple things that shouldn't take time to decide...will be a snap...like between a dog and a cat.

Why I thought masks and pretend games only existed in a life outside of church, i'm not quite sure. But with my own experiences I should've known that people hide...even at church. The appearence of strength when there's nothing but weakness is something I'm sure everyone struggles in their life- and especially with Christ. If you're "strong", then you don't need anyone to depend on...

My good friend, Phillip Yancey, who wrote a book called "Church: Why Bother?" pointed this very fact out to me when I was reading a section called 'God's Twelve-Step Group'. Comparing Alcoholics Anonymous to the Church...something I probably wouldn't have done, but I guess that's why I have a blog instead of a book. But the qoute that really got to me, and related to what I have been spending a lot of time thinking about..: "Mostly, the members seemed to enjoy being around people who could see right through their facades. There was no reason not to be honest; everyone was in the same boat."
and then another one, "...humility, total honesty, and radical dependence-...these qualities seemed exactly what Jesus had in mind when he founded his first church."

Wow. It's funny how until something it spelled out for you, you never TRULY understand it. Same here- I mean i always knew the church was supposed to support each other- but that COMPLETE DEPENENCY on one another and the Lord- now that's something that had never made a dent in me. How many of us can say that we completely depend on the Lord...let alone anyone else?
I suppose I really liked that part of the book because it something that has been on my mind for a while now...that to be real in this world is a gift...and a talent. Not to conform and not to be the same as everyone else out there- is hard...coming from someone who struggles with it!...but as Mr. Yancey says, "I don't need to sin, I need another sinner."